We tell ourselves stories every day. Furthermore, these stories are powerful determiners of how we feel and act in everyday life. And today I want to talk about a common story that many people repeat to themselves. I call it the “I’m not okay” story. Unfortunately, it is a story that undercuts the happiness and productivity of millions of people. And I want to address it head on.

Your Biggest Secret

A well-known psychologist by the name of Irv Yalom has written numerous books on psychotherapy and spoken extensively around the world. During some of his speeches he asks his audience to write down their biggest secret. The most common secret is a belief “I’m not okay.” He could be in front of a group of the most successful and prominent experts in their respective fields and some version of this belief would be their most common response.

I can tell you that I’ve found the same thing in so many workshops and seminars I have taught. We see our own flaws, failings, and weaknesses. Most of us have self doubts and a shadow or dark side which we want to hide from our fellow human beings. And because we feel we have to hide a big part of ourselves from others it is easy to forever feel inadequate, like I’m not okay or quite up to snuff.

So how about if you stop trying to prove you are enough and admit and embrace your flawed nature and tell yourself a different story. Maybe it’s okay that you’re imperfect. It is, after all, an inherent part of being human. Not that you can’t and won’t learn, grow, and improve. But guess what, you’ll still be flawed and imperfect.

If You Could Really Accept that You Weren’t Okay

I love a poem by Werner Erhardt which speaks to this. (Maybe I’ve shared it before.) It’s all about accepting yourself as an imperfect person. It goes like this.

“If you could really accept that you weren’t okay, you could stop proving that you were okay.

And if you could stop proving that you were okay, you could get it that it is okay to be not okay.

And if you could get it that it is okay to be not okay, you could get it that you’re okay just the way you are.

You’re okay, get it?”  

I have taught this truth a lot in public seminars through many years. In fact, I taught it, just a few years back, to a group of around a hundred and twenty youth on a backpacking trip. I told them that we try too hard to prove we’re okay. And yet it is so easy to feel like I’m not okay. I said the key is not to pretend but to accept that we are flawed and that is okay.

Then I had them do an exercise. They each stood and greeted a partner by declaring their name and then sharing one reason they told themselves that they weren’t okay. “I have big ears.” “I got a D in chemistry.” “I’m mean to my little brother.” “I’ve shop-lifted on several occasions.” And so on.  I asked the partner who heard their “I’m not okay” story to extend a big and warm congratulations to them and then share something, a secret reason they held onto shame about him or herself.

Together, they took a moment to celebrate their “not okayness” and then moved to another partner, another and another, to do the same thing. My instructions were to share something different with each person they approached.

A Celebration

After giving the instructions, the place absolutely erupted—kids mingling about and getting lots of stuff that they usually keep hidden out in the open and congratulating each other. Celebrating with one another all the reasons they have been ashamed and all the reasons they had told themselves they were not enough. The process was absolutely liberating for them. It allowed them to share their shame and inadequacy in a way that they could embrace and even let go of it.

As we debriefed the experience, one young man expressed that the youth would love to have this much openness with their parents. But he went on to say that they could not be not okay because their parents held high expectations of them and would have a difficult time accepting them in their vulnerability and imperfection. He explained that they lived in fear of disappointing them and letting them down.

As someone who teaches parenting, I wasn’t surprised by his comment. However, I was surprised that the place exploded in applause when this young man shared this perception. It reinforced to me how important it is that we be able to create a safe place for our children in which they can talk openly about their fears and inadequacies and problems without fearing judgment. They don’t have to prove themselves. They can be okay with who they are.  

Well, I’ve done a similar process like this with many groups and most people find it freeing and empowering. In truth, we are not perfect. We will always have our flaws. If we can know that this is okay, we will feel so much better about ourselves. 

Permission and Accountability

Of course, I always end this and similar processes by saying that this is not a permissive anything goes philosophy. Our choices and actions have consequences to ourselves and others and we are accountable for these consequences. We have the right to be imperfect but we also have a responsibility to learn and grow and use our freewill in positive and empowering ways.

But, in the process, let’s give each other permission to be imperfect. I am flawed, not okay. I’ll still be flawed a year from now, even ten years from now. Why pretend otherwise. How about if I make it okay for me as well as those around me to be imperfect, to be not okay? Afterall, we don’t grow from beating ourselves up. We open ourselves to growth as we show ourselves kindness, compassion, and love.  

Come as You Are

I love the words of a song by Laura Allen called Come As You Are. Here are a few of the lyrics:

“We make it so tough, we get ourselves all worked up.
When we start thinkin’ that we got somebody to impress.
Oh, and when I see how hard we try, sometimes it makes me wanna cry
Just be yourself and forget about the rest.

“Cause I want you to come as you are,
You don’t have to prove anything to me.
Just be yourself and come as you are to me.
Oh, you can come as you are,
You don’t have to prove anything to me
Just be yourself and come as you are to me.”

So it’s your turn. What stories have you made up about why you’re not okay? What are the consequences of holding onto those stories? Are you willing to offer yourself some compassion and make it okay that you’re imperfect? How would you talk differently to yourself? How would you show up differently with those around you?

And feel free to leave a comment below.