In my last article, I wrote about seeing people deeply. Today I want to explore a related concept, respect and how to create mutual respect. The dictionary defines respect as “to hold in high regard; to feel or show honor or esteem towards something or someone.” Although we think of respect as behaving in a polite manner towards others, it is far more. When we respect someone, we value them, make positive assumptions about their worth, “grant” them space to be who and how they are, and treat them with decency and kindness.  

We communicate respect in many different ways—through our words, body language, attentiveness, ability to hear someone out, giving of our time, putting aside distractions when they speak, and so on.  We come from respect as we see people as real with needs and feelings just like our own. We show respect as we speak courteously, even during problems and disagreements. We show respect as we join someone in their world or we are curious and ask questions and then listen as they talk about things that are important to them.  

Showing respect has a profound impact on the other individual’s behavior as well as the quality of your relationship. As people feel your respect, you influence how they perceive and feel about themselves, they are more likely to cooperate with you, perform well and achieve more.

An Example

I remember years ago when I taught a children’s class in my church. The previous teacher warned me about one disruptive six-year-old boy who spoke out of turn, wandered around, and even bullied other kids. I observed this behavior on my first day and, at the end of the class, I invited him to stay after for a few minutes. Although a big kid, I invited him onto my lap (something we could only do today with another adult in the room) and told him I wanted to get to know him. “What grade are you in? Who is your teacher? What do you like about school? What do you hate about school? How do you like coming to church? What do you think about our class?”

Fortunately, he answered my questions. I know some kids may have experienced enough trauma in their lives to not trust any adult. But David was open. I think he liked the connection. He liked my interest in him.  

I told him that I was really happy to have him in my class. I also told him that I had some rules for the class and wanted him to cooperate with me. We explored what that meant and agreed that he and I would meet right after class each week to talk about how he was doing and what he needed to enjoy coming. This was the start of a nice bond. Certainly, I had to discipline him and help shape his behavior. But we got along quite well and I enjoyed him not only in this class but as he grew into his teenage years.

Mutual Respect

I could connect with David in this way because of my respect for him. I believed in his value and appreciated his uniqueness and didn’t need to personalize or react to his unwanted behavior. Furthermore, I recognized that his misbehavior was not because he was a bad kid but because he used poor tactics to meet some deeper needs for connection and importance. I saw myself in some of his behavior.  

As I think about respect, I’m aware of four different attitudes we can assume in our relationships with others. These attitudes are usually adopted unconsciously and yet have a tremendous impact on how we act in our relationships and the quality of our relationships. 

I Value Me, I don’t Value You

One attitude isI value me, I don’t value you.Imagine me saying those words to you. How would they land?  Do you know people who assume this attitude? What is it like? Are their times when you assume this attitude towards others? As you can tell, this attitude communicates superiority and dominance. I’m better than you. I have more value than you and so I might ignore you or even talk down to you. Unconsciously, I view you as an object rather than human being. I may intimidate you and get your compliance but at a high long term cost in our relationship.

I Value You, I Don’t Value Me

A second attitude is I value you, I don’t value me. Again, can you imagine me saying these words to you? Would it make you uncomfortable? Of course, we don’t usually use words to communicate this message. But this attitude comes across when we feel inferior or intimidated by someone (even a child). We may be deferential or submissive. Maybe we try to please them or do and say things to get them to like or approve of us. Or perhaps we just stay away or try to have as little to do with them as possible. Whatever tactics we use, if we feel this way, the long-term consequences are we demean ourselves and limit the people we associate with.

I Don’t Value Me, I Don’t Value You

A third attitude is I don’t value me, I don’t value you.Although less common,this is a stance that we may assume when we each feel inferior and victimized or beat up by a harsh world. We might seek each other out and play the game “ain’t life (or other people) awful” as we seek solace in blaming the world and putting others down. It feels good, temporarily, but we reinforce not only a negative view of life but sense of our own inferiority.

I Value Me, I Value You

A fourth attitude is I value me, I value you.This is mutual respect. I recognize an inherent value inside of me as well as the value inherent in you. Although we don’t use these words, we feel this attitude in one another’s presence and the way we interact. It is within this relationship that I can look you in the eyes and relate to you with respect and decency. Each of us feels important, accepted, and trusted. We feel safe, can be open and disclosing and want to work out our differences in a mutually beneficial way. This is the foundation for a healthy relationship.

I think David felt this with me, not only because of the words I used, but because it is what I felt for him deep in my heart. He got that I respected him even though I was so many years his senior and needed to be clear in my expectations.

Of course, an equals-relationship doesn’t mean we have equal authority. One of us may have greater authority and need to use that authority as we go about our day-to-day business. But in human terms, we view one another as good, whole, capable, and worthy of respect. We bring a basic decency to our relationship and communicate in both verbal and, more importantly, nonverbal ways that we both count.

Consider Your Relationships

Let me invite you to consider your relationships—with your partner, boss, co-workers, casual acquaintances or close friends. For that matter, what about your doctor, the janitor who cleans your building, the bank teller or grocery checkout clerk, neighbor boy, or anyone whom you see or interact with during the day. Which of these attitudes do you “come from” in each of these relationships? With whom are you one-up? One down? Equal. And what do you do, generally unconsciously, to communicate this attitude?  

I believe that most of us can think of relationships in which we’re one up or one down, perhaps people who intimidate us or others whom we disregard. Of course, it would be natural to think of your attitude towards a given person as a function of this other person—their status, their personal characteristics, how they carry themselves, etc. But what if you accepted responsibility for the equality or inequality in your relationship? What is it inside you that feels superior to some people and inferior to others? How might you need to think differently about yourself to come from “I value me” and how might you need to see other people differently to come from “I value you.”

Here’s a Game

It’s actually a fun challenge. How about if you test it out. Be aware of your various relationships. Pay attention to your natural stance. And then transition into “I value me, I value you.” What shift might this require in how you show up and pay attention? How might you alter your persona and the vibe you put out? What are your non-verbals? How do you communicate as you come from this place? And what are the consequences.

What I’m talking about is an attitude more than anything, an attitude that has to with your deepest assumptions about the goodness and nature of people. And I suggest it’s an attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As you treat others with respect, they are far more likely to behave in a respectful way within your relationship.

Let me challenge you to give it a try and let me know how it feels.