I recently received a question from a student in my course “Become a Master at Conflict Management at Home or Work.” She asked, “How can I prevent my ego from getting in the way when my husband attacks me at the start of our conversation?” She went on to tell me that he snapped at her out of the blue. She tried to avoid being defensive but was unsuccessful. Although she tried listening later in the conversation, the damage had been done and the tone between them is now tense.

This was a good question. The situation she posed is not uncommon. We’ve all be caught off guard by a comment from a loved one or colleague and reacted in a way we recognized was not helpful and later regretted. So I want to expand on some of the thoughts I offered this woman. Here are my thoughts about how to respond to a verbal accusation.

1. Start with Grace

Accept that it is human or normal to react defensively to something you hear as an accusation. No one likes to feel attacked and so our immediate instinct is to defend and protect ourselves. This tendency arises from deep inside the pre-rational limbic system which is only doing its job to keep us safe.

So my first advice when you over-react when feeling attacked is to offer yourself grace and forgiveness. The opposite of grace is self-criticism which causes shame, alienates you from your more loving self, and reinforces your tendency to defend and react. Grace and forgiveness (making room for your imperfection) allows you to pause, relax, and open your heart to a deeper and quieter way of understanding and responding to what is happening.

2.  Grow Your Self-Awareness

I went on to point out to this woman that she was showing both awareness and self-responsibility by even bringing the question to me. She was, in effect, turning the mirror to herself. “How can I prevent my ego from getting in the way?”

It is so easy, especially during conflict, to see the other person’s part and turn the mirror towards them. “See what you’re doing? Look at yourself! How can I respond to you in a mature way when you start a conversation with a ‘you’ message or by attacking me?”

In truth, it would be easier for you if your loved ones were more mature. But alas, they too are human. And you don’t live in their skin. You don’t make their choices. Being triggered yourself is not about getting them to change. In fact, you won’t grow as long as you are waiting or cajoling someone into changing. It doesn’t work. You have to stay in your own lane.

3. Clarify Your Intent

One way to stay in your lane and respond to an accusation is to clarify your intent. You always act from one of two intents—the intent to defend and protect or the intent to learn and grow. Perhaps we have a bit of both inside of us. But which is bigger? The intent to defend and protect feels good in the short run as you blame others, make excuses, and justify your behavior. But it comes with a long-term cost of keeping you stuck in conflict and harmful patterns.

On the other hand, the intent to learn and grow may be emotionally hard in the short-run. It takes openness, humility, and owning up to responsibility. But it is also the pathway to emotional maturation. It begins by asking the question: “What can I learn about myself from this situation? What choices could I make that would break a negative pattern and lead to growth in myself, the other person, and our relationship?”

4. Tune in to Your Senses to Calm Yourself

Once clear about your intent, you may need to take a moment to calm yourself before you respond to an accusation. There are a lot of ways to do this. Pause before you respond. Focus on your breathing for a few cycles. Or, direct your attention to one of your senses—what do you hear? See? Look deeply. What can you touch, such as your feet on the ground, fingers on the fabric of your clothing, or air on your skin. Of course, you won’t have time to do all of this in the heat of the moment, especially as you’re learning. Nonetheless, as you slow down by being present and accessing your physical senses, you give your limbic system a rest. This rest is just what you need to respond instead of react.

5. Practice Non-Defensive Listening

Once you have clarified your intent and tuned into your senses to calm yourself, it’s time to practice non-defensive listening. This is making it safe for the other person to talk. You suspend your tendency to judge (agree or disagree) with what they are saying so you can hear the meaning, unspoken needs, and feelings he or she is conveying. It can be hard to listen when you want to tell your own story or “set the person straight.” But listening is the only way to interrupt a negative pattern, learn, and grow.

I have found that it helps me respond to an accusation by knowing that their anger or criticism is not the real issue. Their anger is defensive and self-protective. They are using a crude strategy (blame or accusations) because they are coming from a deeper and even unrecognized fear or sense of vulnerability.  This understanding can help you know that their response is not about you so much as themselves. See this person, at this moment, as a wounded child reacting the best he or she knows how.

6. Remember the Three-Step Process

I like to think of this as a three-step process: Listen to what they are saying. Relax your own judgements. Accept what you hear, not as the truth but a point of view. Listen, relax, accept. Listen, relax, accept.

7. If Necessary, Share Your Point of View

Sometimes, but not always, you will need to share your point of view. Make sure that the other person feels heard. You might even test that by reflecting back what you hear and asking if you have it right or if they feel understood. Then share your thoughts, not as the truth but as a point of view. You may go back and forth and back and forth, each of you taking time to air your feelings and talk about your point of view. You’re not trying to fix anything, just create a deeper understanding. That is important, by the way. Most conflict is less about coming to an agreement and more about coming to a shared understanding.

8. Respect Yourself if You are not Ready to Listen

Let me point out that there are times, in spite of your best intentions, when you are not ready to listen non-defensively. The person’s words or behavior has triggered something deep inside of you. You’re dealing with your own trauma. In this case, use the incident as an opportunity for your own healing. You don’t need to feel bad about this. In fact, it’s where you can do some of your best work.

You heard an accusation and felt defensive. Take some time to explore it.

• What about this other person’s words, expression, or tone of voice triggered you?
• What story (meaning) did you tell yourself about their words and actions? How did you personalize it?
• What did you feel? We usually want to avoid our grungy feelings. But then we act them out in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others. Better to allow them, make space for them. You’re not trying to resolve them, just expand your awareness and ability to tolerate them. By doing so, you make peace with your feelings. You’re empowering yourself to choose how you respond rather than simply react.
• What did you say and do (or what were you inclined to say or do) and what were (would have been) the consequences?
• How often has something like this happened in the past? How far back does it go?

I encourage you to take ownership as you work through these questions. Other people do not have the power to make you think, feel, and act in a certain way. Of course, they can say or do something that triggers you. But your reactions are your responsibility. Owning this responsibility is the key to responding in a healthy, emotionally mature way.

Conclusion

My hope is that by following the steps I’ve laid out, you can not only calm yourself but begin to develop a better perspective about what is happening. Perhaps it will help you feel less reactive and in a better space to go to someone and just listen. As you do so, without defending yourself, others will calm down and soften their reactions. Of course, you never want to make your success dependent on getting someone else to alter their words or behavior. Make it about you learning to come from a calmer, deeper place inside of you.

And know that I care about your journey. Feel free to share your thoughts or personal experiences about how you have responded to a personal attack or accusation. What have you found that has worked? Not worked? Ultimately, we’re in this together and can learn a lot from each other.