In my last post, I talked about four styles of communication. Would you call yourself a dominator, accommodator, avoider, or collaborator in your communication?
A Relationship Dance
Of course, communication is two-way, meaning there are patterns that depend not only on your tendencies but that of others with whom you’re communicating. A dance is a good metaphor to describe these patterns because each pattern has a predictable tempo and series of steps. Some dances are loud and animated. Others are civilized and polite. Others are detached and uninvolved.
Although they are usually stable in who plays which roles, partners sometimes change step in the middle of their relationship dance (when their tactic or dance step isn’t getting them what they want).
7 Patterns of Communicating
Let me propose 7 common relationship dances or patterns of interaction.
1. Dominating-Accommodating
In this pattern one person is in control and the other person is either less invested in a particular outcome or chooses to accommodate to avoid conflict or disapproval. This may be a harmonious relationship although the caution is that the accommodator may develop some resentment over time if he or she isn’t able to influence enough of the decision-making.
2. Dominating-Dominating
In this relationship dance, each person vies for power and tries to “win” their way, which usually means getting the other to change or at least accept their desires and point of view. These are noisy relationships in which there are lots of attacks and defenses with neither person able to hear the other or respond to their needs.
3. Dominating-Avoiding
One person tries to control and the other is more indifferent, sometimes passively resistant. The power struggle of this relationship is as real but less apparent than that of the dominating-dominating pattern. In fact, it is often baffling to the dominator (pursuer) who wants to up the engagement and yet the avoider (withdrawer) is not playing and instead doing his or her own thing.
4. Avoiding-Avoiding
In this dance, neither partner likes conflict or even emotionally sensitive subjects and so they keep their relationship on more day-to-day affairs. Sometimes they live somewhat parallel lives, neither putting a lot of demands or expecting too much from the another. They experience little conflict and few highs or lows although their deepest needs for connection may not be met.
5. Accommodating-Accommodating
This relationship dance is a pattern in which both parties want to please and defer to the other. They aren’t used to thinking about their own needs and wants and often don’t have strong opinions about things. And, because they’re both high in empathy (or concern for other), each may like it when others are happy. A couple of accommodators are going to be pretty easy going and slow making decisions.
6. Accommodating-Avoiding
Although neither party wants to get conflict on the table, the accommodator will harbor deeper feelings and hope that the avoider will read their subtle messages and be more sensitive. The avoider does not usually pick up on these messages until they become more extreme or exacerbated by the accommodators “neediness” and tendency to make an issue of things.
Becoming More Aware
I’m not saying that these relationship dances are right or wrong or good and bad. I am saying that they are common and by becoming aware of them you can better understand your relationships so you can make conscious choices about when to engage and when to disengage from them and use a different style of communicating.
7. Collaborate-Collaborate: The Healthiest Pattern
This leads me to the healthiest form of communication: Collaborate-Collaborate. This is the ideal. In this dance, each person is high on both assertiveness and empathy. They are willing to state openly their point of view and simultaneously show respect for the other’s point of view. No one is trying to coerce the other to their view. Nor are they acquiescing or avoiding sensitive issues. They are seeking mutual understanding and what is right and best for both parties. This is where we want to be, especially when we’re seeking to resolve a conflict or make a decision.
Now you may be wondering about patterns in which one person is a collaborator and someone else is a dominator, accommodator or avoider. A collaborator can often, even usually, bring others into collaboration. I’m not saying it’s always easy, but by showing up with goodwill and modeling lots of empathy as well as assertiveness, they can often influence the tone and process of communication and help others move from their native styles to a more collaborative attitude as well.
What Are Your Favorite Dance Steps?
So consider yourself in your various relationships. Your dance moves might be different with your partner, a parent, child, friend, co-worker, boss or religious/community leader. What are your favorite dance steps in which of these relationships? What would your dance partners say? Why not ask and engage in a potentially enlightening conversation?
My point is not to suggest that all your relationships will be collaborate-collaborate. But there is a lot of value in understanding that fundamentals of these dance steps. The goal is to learn and grow, to become more conscious and aware of the outcomes of you desire as well as the consequences you are generating.
I’ll help you in this journey if you enroll in my course “Communication Skills Masterclass: A Blueprint for Home and Work” in which you learn principles and specific communication skills to grow yourself and your relationships. Is there a more important investment than yourself and those who matter most?
