Hi my friend,
In truth, we are always communicating, verbally and nonverbally, when in the presence of others. Our words, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice all matter and affect those around us. So a question I want to pose to you today is, what is the impact of your communication? Is your communication helpful or harmful? Does it strengthen or weaken yourself and others? Do you communicate in a way that unites rather than divides, garners trust rather than suspicion, elicits positive action rather than passivity or resistance, or builds rather than harms your relationships?
Although some communication is sharing information and handling the logistics of life, much of what we say to each other, intended or not, is deeply consequential.
A Model of Our Communication
So here’s a model of communication. I call it the Cycle of Strengthening vs. Weakening Behavior (terms coined by my late father). It’s actually a variation of the key moment model that I’ve written and spoken about often and elsewhere. It’s configured a bit differently to emphasize our communication and the consequences of our communication.
As you can see on the left-hand side, the model starts with a triggering event or circumstance (key moment) which I define as a situation in which you feel threatened or vulnerable or upset in some way. Not all, but most of our key moments are interpersonal. They involve others and, therefore, communication. Something happens that triggers an emotional reaction. The reaction could be hurt, anxiety, inadequacy, embarrassment, jealousy and so on. Once triggered, it is easy to get derailed from acting and communicating in healthy ways.
We face key moments every day. Some are small and we handle them quite easily. Others are big and knock us off balance for hours or sometimes days at a time. Furthermore, a key moment might be a single incident or protracted pattern that grows in intensity or emotional toxicity over time.
My neighbor’s dog barks all day long. I’ve not had a conversation or feedback from my boss in a number of months. My partner rebuffs my attempts to be more intimate. I learn that a child is using drugs. Someone says something rude.
A Response Chain
As you can see from the diagram, a key moment triggers thoughts and feelings inside you. Of course, it’s helpful to be aware of your thoughts and feelings because they’ll determine your behavior, how you’re likely to respond. In fact, there’s a cause effect relationship between thoughts, feelings and behavior. Your thoughts (not just an event) are a primary source of your feelings. And your feelings drive your behavior.
Next, in our model, is a Moment of Choice. This is a moment of awareness and personal power when you make decision, consciously or not, about how to respond. It’s easy, in the middle of a key moment, to simply react and act out your negative thoughts and feelings. Instead, you want to learn to step back and choose how to respond rather than just react. You want to use your awareness and personal power to act in ways that will lead to positive outcomes. There is a lot you can do, in a moment of choice, to put yourself in a good space, psychologically, to respond well to a key moment.
The Cycle of Weakening Behavior
Now let’s go on to the next part of the model. Notice that if, during the moment of choice, you are either unaware or if strong emotions overrule your reason, you’ll react from fear or hostility, leading you downward into a “Cycle of Weakening Behavior” in which you dramatize or act out your grungy, negative feelings in one of three ways.
Dominators, as I’ve recently described in other posts, tend to fight or go on the attack by lecturing, moralizing, arguing, defending, criticizing, putting others down, blaming, controlling, slamming, throwing, hitting, assaulting, being sarcastic, etc. Accommodators tend to run or retreat emotionally by pleasing, withdrawing, shutting down, pouting, placating, being a martyr (by not asserting their needs), taking the blame, getting sick or sleeping, etc. in the middle of a key moment. And avoiders tend to ignore or deny by suppressing their feelings, showing apathy, intellectualizing, distracting, using humor, escaping into work, drugs, sex, exercise and so on.
Finally, as you can see from the far-right part of the diagram, fighting, running, and ignoring all lead to negative outcomes. They result in feeling unsafe, create mistrust and ill-will, hurt self-esteem, harm the process of personal maturation, set up win-lose interactions, etc. And these, of course, set up new key moments.
The Cycle of Strengthening Behavior
On the other hand, you can choose to respond to a key moment from trust and goodwill which is certainly not always easy, especially when you’ve been emotionally triggered. Nevertheless, you choose to act from trust rather than react from fear. You’re choosing to interrupt your natural tendencies to dominate, accommodate or avoid and, instead, utilize skills organized around three crucial themes:
- Empathy skills which I consider foundational to good communication. This is interacting with people in ways that promote safety, trust, respect, goodwill, openness and exploration. It includes showing respect, affirming, and listening deeply to others to build trust and create safe conditions so people can talk openly and bring their ideas into the light of day.
- Honesty skills which reflect our willingness to be honest and tell the truth. This is being vulnerable and disclosing ourselves to others as appropriate. It is also caring enough to give others feedback when they’re acting in harmful ways or to get sensitive topics on the table so we can resolve conflicts and improve our relationships.
- Responsibility skills are all about helping people develop more autonomy and empowering them to make better choices. It’s learning to ask powerful questions that place responsibility on an individual for their behavior. These skills are an alternative to telling others what to do. They build responsibility from inside rather than imposing control from outside by inviting people to make commitments and then holding them accountable to what they say they’ll do.
My belief is that these three themes are not only an alternative to dominating, accommodating, and avoiding but are the essence of excellent communication and healthy relationships. Notice that using the skills results in positive outcomes such as emotional safety, feelings of goodwill, self-esteem and growth of the individuals involved as well as a higher likelihood of collaborative problem-solving.
Application
My purpose in presenting this model is to give you a visual for understanding what is happening in your key moments, particularly those that involve others and require your response or communication. In future articles, I’ll talk about some of the specific communication skills related to the themes of empathy, honesty, and responsibility. It would be too much to cover them in a single article.
But in the meantime, I want to invite you to apply the concept of weakening vs. strengthening communication to your interactions. We know, intuitively, whether our words and actions are going to helpful or harmful to others and our relationships. So as you find yourself in key moments or circumstances to influence others, I ask you to pause. Don’t rush to respond but take a step back. Then ask yourself a few questions:
- What is important to me (and others) in this situation?
- Do I want to respond in a way that is helpful vs. harmful?
- What outcomes do I want for me, the other person, and our relationship?
- What can I say/do to create those outcomes?
- What might I say/do that would be weakening?
- What might I say/do that would be strengthening?
And then act, after your pause and considering such questions.
The questions are your compass. Even if you don’t always know the best way of saying something, asking yourself these questions—what might I say that is weakening and what might I say that is strengthening—will prevent you from sliding into the cycle of weakening behavior and make you much more likely to choose a good response in your moments of choice.
Do You Want to Learn More?
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