Someone recently asked me what I lessons I have learned as I look back on my career. I thought about his question and realized that I would have asked for more mentoring and even emotional support.
Many of us think that we have to go it on our own. Even during adversity, we think we have to buck up and pick ourselves up by the bootstraps. I felt that way and as a consequence didn’t reach out to others more experienced than me to benefit from their support and counsel, particularly in my career. But the research suggests that reaching out to others in difficult times helps us make it through. It’s okay to be vulnerable enough to let others see into our lives and then offer us their support and wisdom.
Simply Connecting
Before I jump into how to ask for support, I want to be clear that asking for support doesn’t always need to be explicit. Sometimes we find relief simply through connection and engagement. For example, I recently felt some distress and work pressure in the middle of the day. I recognized what was happening and called a friend. We only chatted between five and ten minutes. I didn’t tell him what was going on. I didn’t need to. I just needed to connect and afterwards felt better. I approached my work with renewed energy.
Who are Your “go-to” People?
But on other occasions we do need deeper support or even help and it’s nice to have one or two loved ones, friends, or even work colleagues we can go to. Do you have someone who can play this role? If not, is there a way to shape a friendship or two into one in which you can be mutually supportive when hard things are happening? You’re in the process of doing this as you follow the practice of empathy as I talked about in my last post. If you can show up with empathy and curiosity, as you learn to be a good listener, you’re building a mutually supportive relationship. But let’s explore some things you can do to make it easier for you to reach out to others and ask for their support.
Know Your Purpose: The Three “Hs”
First, it helps to know your purpose. Let me suggest that we go to other people for one of three reasons. We need to be heard, helped or hugged. We often reach out because we need to be heard. We need to vent, to express ourselves, or to explore our thoughts and feelings. And we know it would feel good, affirming, if we could do that in the presence of another human being, someone we know would be able to hear our story and still care about us.
Sometimes we need help. We are dealing with some kind of problem or have a request that we can’t meet easily on our own. Perhaps we need advice, counsel from someone more experienced. Or we may need resources that someone else can provide.
And, finally, in our personal relationships we sometimes need a hug. We need someone to put their arms around us and help us feel their presence and compassion. Of course, this applies to our personal relationships and not business relationships where physical contact is not usually appropriate.
So, a starting point in asking for help is to be clear about your purpose. Why are you reaching out? You’re much more likely to get what you need if clear in your own mind.
Be Explicit about Being Heard vs. Helped
I want to say that it’s particularly important to make the distinction between being heard and helped. My wife and I have to be clear about this. If I open up about a concern, before we can have a good conversation, I need to say I want you to hear not help me. On other occasions I want her help and so need to let her know. Or, sometimes I first want to be heard and then want her help. Being clear about this is very useful.
Making Yourself Vulnerable
Second, you need to be willing to be vulnerable. This is the biggest barrier we face as we reach out or ask for help. It can feel risky to be vulnerable because we’re letting others see us as imperfect. Is that okay? It can be so freeing to us when we realize we don’t have to go through life pretending. It’s okay to take off our masks and let people see us for who we are. That is often the most valuable part of asking for help.
However, I know that being vulnerable can feel scary because we’re risking rejection. Maybe it’s not an outright rejection but what if who you’re sharing with is not a good listener and steers the conversation to themselves or if they don’t really hear you and want to minimize what you’re saying or offer you a quick fix? These responses don’t feel good and can leave you feeling weak for opening up. But I want to suggest that most of the time, if you are thoughtful about who you go to, it will feel good to open up and let someone support you. It will likely deepen your relationship. It’s worth the risk.
Ask Permission
Another thought is to ask permission. After you know your purpose and have identified someone who you think may be able to hear, help or hug you, let them know why you’re asking for support and how they can help you. Ask if they think they can help and make sure the timing is right for them as well as you.
Also be aware of how sensitive the person is to your problem, particularly if you’re seeking emotional support. Sometimes it’s really helpful to seek out someone who is dealing with or gone through something similar. It might feel good to talk to another parent who has a struggling child, for example. But, on the other hand, it’s important to have an idea if what you want to share is too emotional for them. If you want to share about your weight, perhaps it’s not best to share with your friend who is struggling with an eating disorder.
Set Limits and Take Responsibility
Set limits around your sharing. Be aware of time and how the person with whom you’re sharing is doing. Read their body language or ask about how they’re doing. Know when you’ve talked enough or spent enough time with this person and are ready to move on.
And don’t forget to bring a little lightness or humor to the conversation. Not always, but sometimes. It doesn’t have to feel like you’re in deep psychotherapy. Maybe a little perspective, humor, or laughter would help you if you can think about something other than the problem.
In summary, think about what kind of support or help you need and who might be able to provide it. Approach them by being willing to be vulnerable and honest but also sensitive to their needs. Although opening up may be risky it’s a way to learn and grow and also a way to build deeper and more meaningful relationships.
