In my last blog posts, I’ve made a distinction between communication that is harmful and weakening vs. helpful and strengthening. It is powerful to be aware of this distinction. As you recognize your tendencies that are weakening and purposefully choose to communicate in ways that are strengthening you will not only improve the quality of your relationships but help people around you grow and thrive.
So let me suggest that a starting point for communicating in more empowering ways is to be clear about the outcomes you desire from a given conversation. In fact, the purpose of this article is to explore a number of outcomes you can use to guide your communication. But first I want to share a personal story that illustrates what I’m talking about.
My Ski Trip
As a teenager I loved to ski. We were only about 45 minutes from Park City, Utah and so sometimes my friends and I would head up to the slopes for a little night skiing after school.
I drove one particular Friday night. It was very late, after midnight or so, as we left the parking lot to head home. I was in a hurry and carelessly ran a stop sign. I still recall the feeling of alarm as I saw the blinking red lights in my rearview mirror. The police officer gave me a ticket and told me I’d have to return the next week with one of my parents to see a judge and pay the fine. His last words were, “You can come up any weekday except Tuesday when the municipal building is closed.”
Well, I stewed about telling my parents about my ticket all the way home and half of the next day. But I knew I couldn’t avoid it since one of them had to accompany me back up the canyon. My parents were not very happy to learn about my ticket, especially since I was only 16 and hadn’t been driving that long. They let me know this was not responsible behavior.
Exacerbating my Mistake
My father worked out his schedule to accompany me. We drove up to Park City and parked in front of the municipal building. A sense of foreboding came over me as we pulled into the parking lot, which seemed inconceivably vacant for the middle of the week. Saying nothing, my father and I walked up to the doors and tried to get in. We walked all around the building trying every door but to no avail.
We got in the car and started our drive home. I didn’t say a word as my father talked about giving up a half day of work to accompany me on this journey only to realize we’d have to make the trek up the mountain again on another day.
My Confession
After driving most of the way home, I decided I’d better fess up. He was going to learn what was going on sooner or later. The longer I waited the worse it would be, so I told him about my mistake and waited for his angry reaction. He had every right to be upset with me. I was sure he’d launch into a well-deserved lecture about my lack of responsibility and how much of a sacrifice he’d made to support me today.
My Father’s Reaction
But he didn’t react in that way. He was quiet for a moment. Then he shared that he wasn’t happy about my forgetfulness which had caused him to change his work schedule. Then he asked me some questions. “How are you feeling right now?”
I wanted to say, “What, you’re not going to chew me out? I’d really deserve it.” Instead, I felt a boatload of relief and a huge apology came from my lips. “I’m so sorry. I was irresponsible. The policeman told me not to come on Tuesday. I feel really bad.”
He listened non-reactively and let me confess my mistake and talk about how bad I felt. He acknowledged my feelings and then asked another question. “What can you learn?”
I wasn’t sure initially, but he was quiet and so I continued to think. “I need to listen better.”
“Uh huh”, he said and remained silent.
So I continued to think. “I can talk to my father,” I said. “You’re not going to jump all over me because I make a mistake. I really appreciate that.”
“We’re all imperfect,” he said. “What works is being responsible for them rather than being defensive and trying to blame someone else.”
I got that. This message sunk pretty deep in my heart that day, because my father was non-reactive and a safe place for me to talk and explore.
He did ask one last question: “How can you make this up to me?” I thought and came up with a number of ideas—extra work around the yard, wash his car, be appreciative of him.
An Outcome Avoided
Who knows what would have happened if he had gotten angry and lectured me. If it went on too long or too much I could have felt really bad about myself or become defensive and resentful towards him. I may have harbored negative feelings for a long time. Instead, I felt appreciation. I felt grateful and more likely to honest and open up to him in the future.
I appreciated that my father was clear about the outcomes he wanted from our half-day together. His purpose was not to lecture or vent. He wanted to use this experience as an opportunity to build trust, enhance my self-esteem, and help me grow in emotional maturity and self-responsibility.
Clarifying Your Outcomes
So I want to encourage you to remember this story as you think about your communication with the people around you. Before jumping into a conversation, especially in the middle of a key moment, take a moment to clarify in your own mind all the outcomes that are important to you from this interaction. What do you really want? What can you say and how do you need to show up to achieve those outcomes? Let that guide you away from harmful tendencies and towards strengthening and empowering communication.
So let me suggest four outcomes, in addition to solving the problem, that are healthy and empowering as we communicate with others.
Building Trust
Trust is the quality of the emotional connection within a relationship. High trust is essential to be able to influence others in positive ways. High trust means that we experience mutual respect and goodwill. We feel safe and can express ourselves openly without the fear of judgment of reprisal. We know we can count on each other. An absence of trust results in ill-will, resentment, power struggles and malicious compliance. One purpose, in much of our communication, should be to build or preserve a relationship of trust. That outcome is just as important as addressing the problem at hand.
Enhancing Self-Esteem
Although, particularly in a work place, we may believe that the self-esteem is beyond our responsibility, what we say and do has an impact on how others feel about themselves, which in turn affects their commitment and quality of their work. People who feel good about themselves will perform better. So we can learn to communicate in a respectful way and send uplifting messages. Even when confronting unacceptable behavior we can do so in a way that protects a person’s dignity. All communication, but particularly that which occurs during key moments, has the potential to either preserve and enhance or weaken another’s self-esteem and that can be a deliberate outcome from our communication.
Promoting Maturation or Emotional Development
You saw this with the way my father interacted with me. He was more interested in my maturation than solving the problem at hand. We are so often teachers and coaches in our personal, professional or even community relationships. We want to interact with people in ways that help them develop a greater sense of their capability and responsibility. We want to help them grow in motivation and their ability to handle problems including their relationships with others. We can learn to talk to them in ways that help them grow and respond well to their challenges if we keep this in mind as one of our desired outcomes.
Building Shared Understanding
People come to situations with different values, levels of experience, points of view, etc. The more of that we can tap into the better. No one is smarter than everyone and no single person has a corner on truth. So another outcome from good communication is to build greater understanding of various points of view by encouraging open sharing of information, thoughts and feelings. There are many benefits as people talk openly and without fear of reprisal including a convergent and better understanding of reality as well as higher commitment and engagement and more innovation.
Solving Problems and Making Decisions
Of course, we also use our communication to solve problems and make decisions. These can be personal problems (a poor report card, poor performance on the job), relationship problems (conflict and ill-feelings), or a shared challenge (how to reach a goal or where we are going to live in the future). We use our communication skills to address these problems and we do so in more effective ways as we simultaneously keep in mind the other outcomes.
In Summary
I hope you can see the value of expanding your focus to a number of outcomes as you communicate, particularly during key moments. You’re going to be more successful if you move into a conversation knowing the outcomes you desire. Clarity of outcomes will allow you to communicate in ways that are strengthening, rather than weakening, to yourself and others. And that is our goal.
So the next time you step into or up to an important conversation, I want you to step back and ask yourself what outcomes you want from this conversation. Perhaps, like my father, you can broaden your objective from solving a problem to seeing an opportunity to build trust, enhance self-esteem, foster maturation, and/or create shared understanding. Let your desired outcomes guide you in what you say and how you say it.
I’ll continue writing about communication in upcoming blog posts. But also consider enrolling in my best-selling and highly rated course: Communication Skills Masterclass.
