Empathy is awareness of others, what they are feeling or what life may be like for them. I like to think about two dimensions of empathy. One is perspective taking which is your ability to see something from another’s point of view. A second form of empathy is called empathic concern which is to feel care or compassion about what someone is going through. Both dimensions are critical in building relationships whether it be with a loved one, friend, or work colleague.
A Key to Meaningful Relationships
In truth, it’s hard to be a really good friend or form meaningful relationships if you don’t practice empathy in your everyday life. People who lack empathy view the world in an egocentric way. It’s hard for them to get out of their own skin to understand what it’s like for someone else. These people may make good socialites or even recreational friends but don’t make good bosses or form deeper and lasting friendships. They don’t care deeply about what others are going through. They always turn the conversation to themselves. It’s always about them.
Pay More Attention
You can avoid that tendency by being more aware of others and thinking through what life might be like for them. What is this person’s (colleague, friend, family member) life like? What brings them joy? What challenges do they face? What is hard? What are their deeper feelings, needs, and wants?
Notice their facial expressions and nonverbals. What do they communicate? Reflecting on others in this way helps you develop empathy and makes you a better friend, colleague, boss, or parent. Others will feel it from you and appreciate that you care about them.
Be Curious
One important way to practice empathy is to be curious and interested in people. Ask them open-ended questions and then do a really good job of listening. The questions may be generic. “How is your day going?” “How did you enjoy the big game last night?” “What are your thoughts about…?”
Or, they could be more personal and related to what you know about them, their activities, goals and priorities, work projects, hobbies, interests, even background. The idea isn’t to pry or touch upon subjects that are sensitive, unless it is appropriate in your role, but to let them know that you are interested in knowing them and their experience. If someone doesn’t want to talk about a particular subject then respect this. But often people do want to talk especially if you show genuine interest. So ask questions that invite them to talk.
Learn to Listen
That’s the next key to practicing empathy—be a good listener. It’s so easy to slip out of empathy into talking about yourself, relating your own thoughts and experiences. We have a tendency to listen for a moment and then think more about what we want to say next. Or we take over the conversation by talking about ourselves. “Oh, I’ve had that experience.” Or, “Let me tell you what happened to me.” Or, “This is what I did when that happened…” It is easy to forget the importance of empathy by talking about yourself in a way that you are now steering the conversation rather than the other person.
Certainly there is a place for back-and-forth conversation but we are often too quick to take over rather than remaining curious and listening. Hear the person out. Let them talk about their experience without jumping in, at least immediately, to tell them about yours.
Continue being curious and listening as long as they are interested in talking. You can even keep it going by making acknowledging statements: “Wow.” “Okay.” “Uh, huh.” Or you can share an empathic response: “That must have been so much fun.” Or, “What a hard experience.”
Or ask a question that invites them to continue sharing. The idea is to keep the focus on the other person rather than turning it back on yourself. Make eye contact with them as they speak. Minimize distractions by turning off your phone or putting it away. Being curious and then listening is one of the best ways to build healthy relationships. It lets people know that you are not just interested but that you care.
A Story about Practicing Empathy
Let me share a brief story of the power and role of listening and empathy. A man felt anxious about going to a party with his wife’s co-workers. He wanted to leave a good impression on these co-workers and rehearsed a few things he could say so they would respect him. But as the evening of the party drew near, he was growing more tense. As he and his wife were driving to the party, he thought up a radically different approach, one which caused all of his anxiety to melt completely away.
Instead of trying to impress anyone, he would spend the evening simply listening to the people he met and then summarizing what they had just said. “You feel strongly about that.” “What a hard experience.” “Your plans sound so exciting.” “Let me see if I understand what you mean.” He avoided voicing his own opinions, even though at times it meant biting his tongue to keep from doing so.
He was amazed that no one noticed or remarked on the fact that he was just listening. Each person he talked to during the evening seemed content to be listened to without interruption. On the way home, his wife (whom he had not told about the experiment) told him that a number of people had made a point of telling her what a remarkable person he was. The word “charismatic” was used by one person to describe him, while another said he was one of the most “articulate” people she had ever met.
Listening more than Talking
Could it be that respect and charisma have as much to do with how we listen as what we say? Imagine a world where people actually listen to one another, rather than just waiting for the other people to stop talking so they can give their opinion.
Sometimes, after listening to people, it can be helpful to ask how you can support them. “How can I support you?” or, “What do you need from me?” Asking how you can support them is far better than guessing or trying to tell someone what they need to do or how to solve their problems.
Just being there and listening in a nonjudgmental way is a core part of empathy and maybe the most important part of building positive relationships. It is not just the hard times when people want your empathy. You also practice empathy as you acknowledge and celebrate their triumphs. In short, it is simply being fully present to someone as they go through their good times and bad.
My challenge is to do this today. How about if you practice empathy by doing less talking and more listening, with everyone whom you encounter. What is the impact on these others? On yourself?
