In my last post, I talked about the importance of setting boundaries to be clear about what you are and are not responsible for in your relationships. Awareness of boundaries is critical to protecting and taking care of yourself as well as respecting another’s agency and sense of self. In this article, I want to talk about how to say “No,” another way we set boundaries.
Does it Align with Your Heart?
How often do people make requests of you and, out of duty or love, you say “Yes” and yet in your heart you know that this is not something you want or something that is good for you? It’s sometimes hard to say “No” because you may face rejection or disapproval or sometimes even push back. In fact, some people try to make us feel guilty if we don’t give them what they want.
But saying yes to please others, if it is compromising yourself, is not a healthy way to live. It has to be okay to say “No.” And saying “No” doesn’t depend on someone’s permission or agreement but on permission from your own heart.
Of course, this is a little harder if that someone is in authority over you, like your boss. There will certainly be times when a “No” will not be possible or worth risking something important to you. Nevertheless, in these circumstances you maintain your integrity and support yourself if you are aware of your needs and priorities and then make (and own) a conscious decision, whether “Yes” or “No.”
How to Say “No”
In the meantime, here are a few tips to say “No.”
1. Understand why you want to say “Yes”
It’s good look at your motive for saying “Yes.” You may do so for a number of different reasons. Perhaps you want approval or don’t want to disappoint others. Maybe you have a strong sense of duty or you want to avoid conflict. If true, you have to counter these tendencies through affirming self-talk and courageous action. It won’t feel good in the short-term but you’ll be growing in self-reliance and resilience in the long-run.
2. Be clear about your priorities
You cannot do everything. You only have so many hours in a given week and so need to determine where a request fits. Is it really within the scope of what you do? What is the cost of saying “Yes?” What else might need to go? As I mentioned before, this can be particularly difficult in the workplace. If your boss gives you a new task, responsibility or assignment and you don’t think you have the time to complete it, request to sit together and review the scope of what you’re doing. “This is how much time I have each week. Help me know what I can take off my plate in order to take on this additional responsibility.” Some bosses will be more sympathetic and helpful than others but, either way, there is value in having such a conversation. You’re being proactive. You’re communicating with your boss in responsible and upfront way which makes you a better and more desirable employee.
3. Buy yourself some time before responding to a request
This allows you to think more deeply about the request and the advantages and disadvantages of taking it on. It will also help you plan how to communicate if you decide to say “No.”
4. Offer a reason when you say “No”
It’s better to be clear than vague to make your “No” more powerful and avoid misunderstanding. If it’s a personal request, you may say, “What you’re asking goes against my values or priorities for these reasons….” Or, “I have made a commitment to spend this evening with my family.” In a work setting, you might say something like, “This is not in my wheelhouse and I’m not sure I could give you a good deliverable.” Or “It doesn’t fall within the scope of my responsibilities.” And then don’t argue about your reasons. You’re not doing this to convince the person making the request. You don’t need his or her approval. You are doing it as a way of honoring yourself whether he or she gets it or not.
5. Support the person who is asking
You can acknowledge the person or demonstrate that you care for them even though you aren’t meeting their request. Don’t do this, by the way, if the person is an abuser or user of people. But if not, you might acknowledge the need behind their request and even help them think about other ways that they can meet their needs. Just be careful to not be drawn into being over-responsible and compromising what is important to you.
Saying “No” promotes growth
I know that it’s difficult for lots of people to say “No,” particularly those who are conscientious or really care about others. It is easy to feel guilty, like you’re letting someone down or going to lose out on their approval. So practice being mindful when you notice you feel guilty. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings as a way of supporting yourself but without backing down on your values or priorities.
You become a stronger individual as you learn to say “No.” You take better care of yourself and build your resilience. And, even though you may not feel it in the moment, you strengthen your relationships or your ability to be in a relationship in the long-run.
So learn to say “No.”
