There is something powerful about recognizing our common humanity. By this I mean acknowledging that we, as human beings, share similar experiences. We are all imperfect and make mistakes. There is not a person alive who has not experienced suffering, stress, loss and pain. And we hold similar aspirations. We want to be loved, achieve success, and experience contentment.

You are not Alone

For years, I led seminars in personal transformation in which people opened their hearts to others in profound ways. One of the learnings for me as well as the participants was the universality of our human experience. People would come to the course thinking that they were alone and unique in their problems or past experiences and would want to hide their inner thoughts and feelings.

But as we got into the course, one brave person would open up about a past or current trauma and talk about their feelings, sometimes of shame or inadequacy. As one person began sharing, I’d invite others who had been through a similar experience or felt similar feelings to raise a hand. I’d invite the person in the “spotlight” to look around the room. I would then invite others who had been through similar experiences to join this individual in the middle of the room and let them talk to each other, often cry and grieve together about something hard in their lives, something that had kept them from feeling connected with others or even worthy of love. One of the most healing aspects of my course was the realization, for so many, that they were not alone.

We’ve all been through hard things. We grew up in imperfect families and bear internal scars from the past as well as dealing with lots of stressors of everyday life. We have such a tendency to isolate, emotionally, when we carry secrets and bear burdens. But it feels good to bring our trials into the light of day and as we do so, we not only heal, but recognize our common humanity.

Our Biggest Secret

The psychologist Irvin Yalom (whom I’ve mentioned before) has conducted experiments throughout his career as he has spoken to all sorts of professional groups. He asks everyone in the audience to write down their biggest secret. They do so without putting a name on their slips of paper and then someone gathers and tallies the results. The most common answer, by far, is something like, “I feel inadequate.” “I’m an imposter.” “If people knew me, they wouldn’t love me.”

Although an unfortunate perception, it is helpful to know that it is part of our common humanity. It is helpful to know that we are all imperfect human beings. We are all flawed. We all fail and make mistakes. We all experience stress, hardship and even suffering. We tend to forget this in the midst of our own hardship. In fact, we tend to feel isolated from others believing that others have it better than us. But if we can remember that pain and suffering are part of our common humanity, we can feel more connected with others. The perspective that all human beings suffer can help us be more resilient in the face of stress and trauma.

Just Like Me

One practical way to do this is to use the words, “Just like me…” particularly when going through stress or trauma. In other words, “Just like me, others are suffering because they grew up without a loving caregiver.” “Just like me, others are working two jobs and barely making ends meet.” “Just like me, others are worried about the future.” “Just like me, others make mistakes.” “Just like me, there are others who have recently lost their jobs.” And so on.

Complete this sentence with whatever adversity you are going through and notice how it makes a difference as you recognize and connect to our common humanity.

Before I conclude, let me put another spin on these words, “Just like me…” You can use the words not only to recognize our shared suffering but also our shared joys and desires. For example, “Just like me, all people want to be free of suffering.” “Just like me, all people want to be happy. Just like me, all people want to find peace. Just like me, all people want to be recognized and loved.”

Use These Words

So I want to encourage you to remember these words, “Just like me…” as a way of feeling greater connection with others and, in the process, bringing greater peace, joy, and equanimity into your own life.

Please feel free to leave a comment. And don’t forget to check out my course on managing stress and building resilience to explore lots of ideas for nourishing our relationships (one of four pillars of stress management).