So often we look at people and even interact with them but we don’t really see them. This is something that the columnist David Brooks has talked about lately. He’s been alarmed by the growing isolation and social disconnectedness in our society in recent years. In fact, he’s said, “Many of our society’s great problems flow from people not feeling seen and known. … There is a core … trait that we all have to get … better at, and that is the trait of seeing each other deeply and being deeply seen.”

Now I don’t know what time of day you’re reading this, but I’m curious, who were you with this morning or afternoon? Who did you share a meal with today? You were together, but did you really see this person or these other people deeply? Doing so requires that you get out of your own head and agenda and really think about the people in front of you—friends, family members, colleagues. What is life like for them at this time? What are they going through? How are they doing? What do they need?

Miffed in a Checkout Line

I want to share a story I recently heard. A man was in a big hurry in a grocery store. He grabbed a few of the items he needed and got in an express checkout line. To his dismay, the woman in front of him had more items than were allowed in the line. This fact irritated him but he kept quiet. To make matters worse, the woman was carrying a young child which would undoubtedly make her slow checking out. Again, he almost spoke up but bit his lip, seething on the inside.

When it was the woman’s turn to check out, she passed the baby to the cashier who held him and cooed at him for a few minutes. By this time the man was going nuts because of this totally inappropriate behavior. Was the cashier even paying attention to the other people in line? How insensitive of her. Finally, the woman took the baby, paid for her groceries and left.

The man stepped up to the cashier and noticed her glistening eyes. She looked at him and said, “Sorry for the delay. But that was my baby. I have to work every day to provide for us and so hardly get the time to be his mother. His sitter comes by a couple times a day to let me see and hold him. Thank you for your patience.”

The man was taken aback, so grateful he hadn’t said anything. “You really care about your baby. I can sure see that. I’m sorry you don’t get to see him more.” He checked out, chastened by what had just transpired and grateful he didn’t speak his judgments out loud.

Two Orientations

I’ve written in the past about the philosopher Martin Buber who says that we can come from two orientations or ways of being in our relationships with others. One of these ways of being he called “I-It” in which we see others as objects who either help us realize what we want or hinder us from what we want. People aren’t real in their own right. We value them or fail to value them because of what they do or don’t do for us. When we see each other as objects rather than real human beings, we relate to them from a position of alienation, mistrust and suspicion. We may even see them as adversaries with whom we must compete or from whom we must protect ourselves.

The second way of being Buber called “I-Thou” in which we see others as human beings with their own needs, wants, feelings, and opinions as real as our own. They are not objects and don’t exist simply to gratify my life. People are real and so we view them through a filter of respect. We see them deeply and view their motives as basically good and similar to our own. People want the same things out of life and we recognize that what unites us is greater than what divides us. Other people are our allies rather than adversaries.

In truth, people sense it when we view them as an object. Even if we gain something we want from them in the short-run, it comes at a price of ill-will which will come back to hurt us in the long-run. On the other hand, people know when we see them deeply, when our essential view of others is from love and goodwill (or I-Thou) then people feel that from us and want to reciprocate.

A Hyphen

You’ll notice that Buber connects the words I-It and I-Thou with a hyphen. By doing this he’s making each of these terms a single word which means that your “self” cannot be pried apart from how you see another. Buber is saying that personal identity and quality of relationships are the same thing. I am the way I see another.

Let that sink in. You are the way you see another. This means that you change as you see your partner or boss or children or co-workers or even others who have a different political philosophy from I-thou. If you start to see another person deeply, as a “thou” rather than it or object, you undergo a change inside your own being.

This distinction can feel very subtle when you first learn this concept. But I’ve found you can begin to know whether your interactions are I-It or I-Thou. If I-It, then you appreciate them for what they can do for you but, otherwise ignore them. You take people for granted and fail to see them deeply. Perhaps you lack empathy and compassion for their point of view or life experience. It’s unlikely that you’ll be a good listener. You seek what’s best for you in your negotiations without taking into account the self-interest or concerns of others.

I-Thou is the opposite. You value the people in your life and don’t expect them to be or think like you. it is and are curious about their opinions and life experience. You see them deeply, listen, and want each or all of you to win in your negotiations.

“I Wish You…”

Let me offer you a way to do this. You do what I’m talking about as you don’t just look at a person but you take a moment to really see them. Look deeply into their face or eyes. Or watch them when they aren’t noticing. Come from an intent to communicate to them what you yourself would like to receive. This may mean that you offer a silent wish for them as you first greet them, such as “I wish you joy.” Or, “I wish you prosperity.” Or “I wish you happiness and peace.”

Even though you don’t say the words aloud, this person will feel your intent and goodwill. Of course, you have to be conscious of doing this. You have to practice it daily. I notice a shift in my relationship with my family members, particularly my wife as I do this with her. Although she doesn’t hear me say the words, she feels my warmth and interest and that’s what I feel coming back from her. As you do what I’m talking about you’ll notice that you’re not only building good relationships with others but feeling more goodwill and happiness in your own life.

So, whether we’re talking about your role as partner, parent, co-worker, boss, friend or someone passing by you in a grocery store, I want to invite you to be aware of this distinction. We all fall into I-It interactions quite naturally. However, are you willing to open your eyes and see people more deeply? Can you make a conscious decision to shift to an I-Thou attitude. People around you will notice. They’ll love and appreciate you for it. By doing so, you’re building meaningful and healthy relationships at home and on the job. Let us know what you think.