I’ve been writing a lot about building relationships in these last several articles. Today I want to explore the practice of setting healthy boundaries. Not only do good relationships require empathy and caring for others but also taking care of ourselves or even sometimes protecting ourselves from others. I don’t mean protecting ourselves because others are mean and hurtful, although that is certainly sometimes the case, but because we need to make room for ourselves and our needs which don’t always sync up with those of others.
A Property Line
Boundaries are healthy. I like to think of them like a property line. They define where one person ends and another person begins. A boundary helps me know what I’m responsible for and not responsible for. I like to tell people to stay on your side of the fence and on your side of the fence you are responsible for how you think, feel and act.
Other people are responsible for their side of the fence, what they think, feel and act. It isn’t healthy to let others tell us what we should think, how we should feel or how we should act. Nor is it healthy for us to tell others how they should think, feel or act.
Of course, we’re interdependent and so we influence others and, in healthy relationships, we’re open to being influenced. So there needs to be some permeability in our boundaries. I’m not encouraging that you be walled off from others. The other extreme is when you have no boundaries and are always seeking to please others, be who they want you to be, feel what they want you to feel. This means that you’ve lost your sense of self. It is healthy for our relationships when we have a good sense of ourselves and, simultaneously, care for others and even agree to help them meet their needs.
Over-Responsibility
I would say that the greatest stressors some people feel is being over-responsible for others. They don’t only carry their own burdens but those of others as well. This can be true for a parent or spouse, co-worker or certainly a child.
I had this experience as a child and teenager. My father was involved in politics and the community as well as running his own business. Consequently, he often arrived home late at night. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep. I’d sit on the stairway coming up from the room I shared with my brother in the basement. Although worried about him, I think I was even more sensitive to the feelings of my mother. I felt her burden in my father’s absence. Sometimes I worked up the courage to go into her room, sit on her bed and visit. But most of the time I stayed on the stairway, not wanting to keep her from sleeping and waited. I felt a relief whenever I heard his car in the driveway and would sneak down to bed and fall quickly asleep.
I recognize this was not normal for a kid. And yet I’m also aware the many children, as well as adults, feel a fair measure of responsibility and burden for their parents, just as parents do for one another and so often for their children. We cross emotional boundaries.
What About You?
Perhaps you unconsciously think that someone else’s well-being is up to you. You carry their distress, sometimes because of guilt, believing that if you were more, better, or different they would feel and do better. Sometimes because you think that it’s your responsibility to fix things, to make things better for them. This is a heavy burden.
Give Back and Take Back
I sometimes have people do a “give back” and “take back” exercise to get clear and set healthy boundaries. Metaphorically speaking, what do I need to give back to someone that I’ve made myself responsible for? It could be giving them back responsibility for their choices, happiness, self-esteem, success, mental health. Being over responsible for others is overstepping a boundary and doesn’t help them become more resilient or emotionally mature.
The other question is what do I need to take back? How have I given up some responsibility for myself? How am I letting others be responsible for my choices? Happiness? Self-esteem? Success? Mental health?
It’s a heavy burden to be over-responsible for someone else or to be under-responsible for ourselves. The reason is that we feel the weight of the responsibility but without the power and authority to make anything different. For that reason, being clear about boundaries and set healthy boundaries as a critical part of building a strong sense of self as well as healthy relationships.
I invite you to share your thoughts.
