What do you do or say when someone around you is hurting or in distress? How are you likely to respond? Do you say and do something that will be helpful and even strengthening to this individual or might you, inadvertently, say or do something that is harmful and even weakening?

I want to suggest that out of good intent we often respond in ways that are that are harmful or weakening rather than strengthening to others who are experiencing emotional pain, frustration, or distress.

Joni, the Frustrated Employee

Let me offer an example. Joni has been on her job for several years and a number of things are beginning to wear on her. She’d like her supervisor to provide more direction. Staff members don’t get along well. A co-worker is chronically absent which puts more demands on her. She’s in the middle of a conflict with another department. And she was just asked to put in a few extra hours over the weekend to get back on schedule. Overwhelmed, Joni quickly leaves to go home for the day. Let’s see how people in her support system respond.

As Joni walks out the door she encounters Dave, her supervisor “Hi, ” Dave said, “how was your day?”

Wishing she could lie and hide her frustration, Joni opts for honesty. “Pretty frustrating. It was one of those days when nothing went right. I’m about ready to throw the towel in on this job. ”

“Oh, you don’t mean that,” replied Dave. “We all have a bad day once in a while. With a good night of rest, I am sure you will feel a lot better tomorrow. ”

Certainly Dave’s intent is good and he cares about Joni. However, he feels emotionally awkward about her honesty or a message he doesn’t want to hear. In an effort to help her feel better, he minimizes her feelings and tries to reassure her that everything will be okay. This is a missed opportunity for Dave to show deeper empathy for Joni and invite a deeper conversation, perhaps tomorrow, to better understand how she’s feeling and become a resource to help her address her concerns.

Joni leaves Dave. “Yea, sure,” she thinks to herself as she trudges towards her car. “I’m not sure I even want to come back tomorrow.”

Her Husband

During the all-too-short drive home, Joni tries to prepare herself for dealing with the family by thinking about dinner. She pulls into the driveway just after her husband. Ron walks over as she gets out of the car and asks, “What is for dinner tonight? I am starved.” Joni growls, “I’ll tell you what, I am exhausted. I think it’s your turn to get dinner tonight.”

“You know,” replies Ron, “I’ve been concerned that this job is too stressful for you. You come home every night tired and unhappy. I just hate to hear you complain all the time.”

Weary and not ready for a fight, Joni pulls herself together and starts preparing dinner. Later in the evening, she and Ron go about the business cleaning up dinner, helping kids with homework, and eventually getting the kids into bed. Neither speaks much to the other.

By now, how is Joni feeling? What support does she need from Ron? What gets in the way of asking directly? Is Ron’s feedback valid? How did it land? What might have helped Joni be more open to his feedback? Certainly Ron has an interest in how his wife is doing. He cares but gets triggered himself and is unsure of how to respond to her stress.

Mom

Later in the night, Joni’s mother calls. Hoping she finally has someone to share her frustration with, Joni tells her about the problems of the day.

“That com­pany!” her mother sympathizes, “I can’t believe they expect you to do so much. After all you are such a good worker and do such a good job. They just don’t appreciate you. It reminds me of what your father used to feel when he was working. These big companies expect too much from people these days.”

Now, what is Joni feeling? Was she strengthened by her interaction with her mother? Frankly, it might have felt good to have her mother sympathize but did choosing sides with Joni against the company help Joni take positive action or reinforce her sense of victimhood? What could her mother have said or done that would have been more helpful?

The Co-Worker

Later in the evening, a friend and co-worker of Joni’s calls. Before they hang up, Joni tells her about some of her frustrations.

Her friend replies, “You know, you have just got to learn to be assertive with people and not let them take advantage of you. Part of your problem is that you are too nice. Stand up for yourself more. ”

Is her friends advice good? Is Joni ready to hear it or capable of carrying it out? Has her co-worker been of help?

Joni continues ruminating about her job as she gets ready for bed. She concludes, “Days like today are not worth the agony. Why invest so much in the job if I am only going to end up feeling frustrated. I think I’ll put in my time but that’s about it. I can’t give any more.”

What Can We Learn?

There are lots of good people who want to help Joni deal with her frustration. Unfortunately, they don’t know how. With perfectly good intent they end up saying things that are weakening rather than strengthening. This usually happens when our purpose is to make someone feel good or give them a quick fix to a problem.

Remember that strengthening someone means helping them take responsibility for themselves, creating a safe place for them to explore their thoughts and feelings and figure out how to handle their problems for themselves.

Responses that Weaken (even when we intend to help)

Hopefully, Joni’s story is helpful in seeing some of the things we tend to say that are more harmful than helpful when people around us are stressed, frustrated, or depressed. Of course, there are so many situations we could be talking about.

• A friend comes to complain about her relationship with her inattentive husband.
• A co-worker tells you he can’t stand his boss.
• Your brother tells you that he just learned his son is using hard drugs.
• You’re visiting an older couple who complain that their kids never come to visit.
• A friend wants your opinion about whether she should quit her job to become a life-coach.
• A child lets you know that she’s failing a few of her classes.

I could go on and on.

Here’s a more formal list of what we’re tempted to do or say that aren’t helpful.

Minimizing

This is trying to persuade someone that things aren’t quite so bad. Dave did it with Joni. Sometimes we do it using words like, “At least…”  “At least you have kids. My aunt Marcia…” Minimizing invalidates their perceptions and feelings.

Dispensing Advice

This is telling another what to do or how to solve their problems. Joni’s friend did it. The intent is usually good although the advice may not fit the person’s situation and will often be met by “Yeah, but…” Furthermore, it fails to respect a person’s capability and responsibility to solve their own problems.

Fixing

This is taking over or doing something for someone that they could do for themselves. It communicates that the person is less capable than you and deprives them of opportuni­ties to grow and learn. “I’m going to talk to your boss… or teacher… or boyfriend.”

Sympathizing

Not to be confused with empathy, sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. Jodi’s mom did this. It may seem caring but also reinforces a person’s complaining or negative feelings and rewards them for feeling bad instead of taking action.

One-upping

You hear what someone says, often a complaint, but come back with something like, “You think that’s bad, here’s what happened to me.” Or, “It reminds me of …” In other words, you insert your own experience into the conversation rather than creating space for the individual to feel heard.

Steering

You may feel awkward and so take over the conversation by talking about yourself or peppering the person with lots of questions that take them away from their train of thought.

Disagreeing

This is Immediately judging what someone is saying and then letting them know why they’re wrong instead of hearing them out to understand their point of view. It shuts down communication and either sets up power struggles or silence and withdrawal.

Ignoring

This is being distracted or simply not giving importance to what someone has to say and so not giving them your attention. You may not even hear a call for help.

Rescuing or soothing

Saying or doing something to make the person (or you) feel better and avoid some emotional pain. “You’re really such a good person.” Sometimes rescuing is minimizing what they are going through or even stepping in to undo the consequences of their behavior.

Choosing Sides

In the back of our minds, we ask, “Who is right?” and “Who is wrong?” and take sides in a way that divides people into opposing camps. This perpetuates feelings of injustice and lack of understanding of each other’s point of view.

Giving in

This is allowing the feelings or desires of another to cause you to back off your boundaries or point of view. A healthy response means that you hear what others have to say. It doesn’t mean you have to agree or accommodate their wishes just to keep the peace.

Although I don’t claim that this list is comprehensive, these are common unhelpful or weakening responses when someone comes to us searching for help.

Application

Now take some time to apply this to your life by completing the two-part exercise below.

1. Describe a situation where you felt you needed help (or relief from pain or frustration). To whom did you go? What did that individual do that was helpful or strengthening? What did that individual do (even inadvertently) that was weakening?
2. Describe a situation when someone came to you seeking help. What did you say and do that was helpful or strengthening? What did you say or do that was weakening?

Skills that Strengthen

Of course, there are many other ways of responding when someone is hurting and seeking help. Take a look at the model of strengthening vs. weakening behavior that I presented in my last blog post. Our goal, in a moment of choice, is to act from trust rather than react from fear. As we do so we are using skills related to empathy (by creating safe and trusting conditions so people can open up and explore their thoughts and feelings), honesty (by giving honest but helpful feedback), and responsibility (by keeping responsibility on the individual to solve their own problems).

I’ll be introducing many of these skills in upcoming posts.

In the meantime, click here to purchase my course entitled Communication Skills Masterclass and learn the essentials of effective communication to empower thriving in both yourself and others.