A belief of mine is that you have to take good care of yourself to have a healthy and happy relationship. Taking good care of yourself is your job and not something you can sluff onto your partner.

Of course, the beginning of a relationship feels so different. I was just scanning face book yesterday and came upon a post from a young friend in India who just got engaged. He’s over the top with excitement, writing about the wonderful person he’s going to marry. He said she completes him. Then he added, “I’ve never met a person in my life that made me feel so happy and comfortable to be around.”

The Enchantment Phase

These sentiments are so typical of the early, enchantment phase of a relationship. The dopamine and oxytocin our brains produce is real and instigates a powerful emotional bond to our partners. This is totally good because at some point this couple is going to face some challenges in their relationship. Although the high my friend is feeling is going to eventually wear off (don’t tell him that) these powerful feelings will not only keep the couple together but remind him of his deep love for his wife.

But I also want you to notice how the statement places responsibility for his happiness outside, on his wife. In fact, the in-love feelings we all experience in the early stages of our relationships are rather effortless, an emotional high that just washes over us and require little effort on our part. Even the most immature of people fall into and out of love.

A more mature love, on the other hand, requires time, shared experiences, persistence, even hardship and just plain hard work. It doesn’t just happen on its own. You have to take responsibility to make it happen.

Stepping Up to Your Responsibility Inside Your Relationship

I believe that, ultimately, you, not your spouse, are responsible for your happiness inside your relationship. If you’re going to be happy and complete, you have to learn to take good care of yourself. Don’t get me wrong. The words and actions of your partner affect you significantly and you each have a responsibility to also show up for each other in a caring way.

But ultimately, you have to take care of yourself if your marriage is going to mature. If you don’t care for yourself then you become too dependent on your partner. You’ll find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster going up and down depending on how your spouse is behaving. Or, you’ll find yourself manipulating your spouse in various ways to get your needs met.

One way to take good care of yourself is to be clear about your needs. As I shared in my last blog post, some partners tell themselves that “if my spouse really loves me, she/he will know what I need…or give me what I need.” Don’t go there. Your partner cannot read your mind. Besides, your partner isn’t always in a place to give you what you need. You have to take responsibility to make sure your needs are met.

A Personal Example of Taking Good Care of Myself

Let me give you one example. I recall spending a Saturday morning tackling one of my least favorite chores, cleaning the garage. I worked hard and when I finished, stepped back with a bit of satisfaction and pride. But I also recognized that I wanted someone else to recognize my hard work. So, I went into the house and called Judy to come and have a look.

She came to the door, looked around, and told me it looked good and whirled around to go back inside. I stood there feeling unfulfilled and so I called her back out and said something like, “I’ve spent the entire morning working on this garage and I’m feeling really proud of what I’ve done. I need you to tell me in no uncertain terms that it looks really, really good. Can you do that?”

So, she did. I then walked her through a few of the decisions I’d made and places I’d cleaned and organized and told her I needed to hear a few “oohs” and “aahs.” I then thanked her and let her go back in the house.

In some ways this was a minor event and I think we both chuckled about how I handled it. But I was aware of my feelings and really wanted to hear the words and so asked very directly for what I felt I needed.

I Can Even Take Good Care of Myself When She Doesn’t

And, by the way, if Judy had not been available or if she had not been in a mood to grant my requests then I could have done it for myself. I could have said, “Roger, you have worked really hard this morning on a project you’ve been procrastinating. Good work! Look at this. Look at that. Good for you for getting this done.”

I could have affirmed myself, which is ultimately the affirmation that makes the biggest difference.

A lot of people think that it doesn’t count if you have to ask for what you need because then your partner is only doing it out of guilt or obligation. So it doesn’t count. I want you to know that that thinking is not true and a set up to feel hurt and resentment.

You, not your partner, are responsible to take care of your needs and so it is okay to be clear and explicit. “I need a hug.” “I’m wondering if you could lend me a hand with this.” “I’d like a little timeto talk tonight.” “I’m hoping we can have some couple time this weekend.” “I’m in the mood for affection. How about you?”

You Won’t Always Get What You Need

Being aware of your needs and communicating them does not always mean your partner will give you what you need. That has to be okay. You also have to learn to respect your spouse’s needs and feelings. You have to learn give and take and even delay gratification. It’s not about always getting everything you need or want. It is about being aware and taking responsibility for yourself and learning how to take good care of yourself.

I like to run and to ski and Judy does not. I enjoy periodically watching sports on tv. These are things that I’ll do on my own or with other friends. Likewise, there are things she enjoys that I do not. But we can support each other by allowing one another to fulfill our needs as well as sometimes engaging in a supportive way.

Most important is that you are aware of your needs and that you take responsibility for getting those needs met by inviting your spouse to support you as he or she can. This is how you grow from enchantment (“She makes me whole”) to a more mature and enduring love.